You see, I've had blogs and journals before. Perhaps five, maybe six in total now. I can't seem to keep up with them through the phases of my life. I think it's possible that I'm always too worried about how it looks to the public in which I pitch it to. Even my journals, always so public, could never really reach the depth in which a journal truly should. I couldn't let them. Then everyone might see the real me.
On top of that these days, I'm a married mom of two; one under one and one in school. I feel like my life is changing so constantly. Not because I'm always moving, or changing jobs, or because my life is just that crazy, but simply because my mind never ever stops. And of course, neither does the time that seems to flow by so effortlessly, no matter how hard I struggle against it and struggle to fit more in a day than can be managed in such a short time. Usually, it isn't even the important stuff; the things that really matter. I can't seem to slow down enough to prioritize those things anymore.
I want to do so much in a day. I want to cook three meals, I want to clean the house or keep it so, I want to enrich the lives of my children and make them feel loved, I want to make my husband feel special and happy, and of course I want to do things for me, too. At least enough for me, that I can sit for a minute and write, read the Bible, paint my dang fingernails for the first time in nine months. But then there's always the want to do something to help my community, my church, the world and the people in it. It can be so overwhelming, especially when you live in constant criticism.
Maybe I'm just horrible at prioritizing. Of course, it could just be my personality. Sometimes I put me down for being lazy. But really, I don't think that's it at all. I can go for days, so long as my mind is clear and my spirit is high. Lately I've been so overwhelmed with life, that even the smallest tasks can bring me crashing down. When I do actually finish a few things on my long and never ending to-do list, I'm more exhausted than I should be. Maybe it's just motherhood.
I've been told so many times before that writing, or journaling, is something that would help me to figure out the mess that is my mind. Or give me solace if nothing else. I do want my story to be heard though. Maybe it can help someone out there. Probably it will just end up a giant cluster of random postings that really do define my scatterbrained life, but at least I will have them for me, maybe my husband or children one day.
I know that some posts will be me, simply cruising through the day, an autopilot of something random, a venting or some craft or DIY we've done. But others will be painful, deep, and hopefully, healing. I'm nearly 30 now, and I've never focused on something so important as my own healing, and I hope that I don't hurt anyone else through the record of my feelings and memories. Know that this isn't to expose or hurt anyone, but that it's to help me understand and heal and hopefully finally move forward from the things that have been keeping me locked away in myself for so long.
Currently, I have a daughter who just started her first year of school, a son who's nine months old now, a tiny little home in one of the fastest growing cities in the United States, and a marriage that's so uncertain, laying at rock bottom with a looming divorce. The following entries will be,
