My stepdad once told me that he believes "mom brain" happens because your mind is purging and sorting old information and memories to make room for all the new things you have to know and that you're going to learn, and of course, being tired doesn't help. I thought that was pretty wise, especially coming from a man, who'd never had mom brain.
Here's the Signs You're a Hot Mess Mom video. There are a few by these hilarious ladies that incorporate the different kinds of moms, but boy is this pretty spot on! Seriously, search for the others though. They may be even funnier.
On Monday after I dropped my daughter off at school, I came home and realized we'd left her books in her room. Again. So, I loaded up the baby, and the books, and trekked back up to school. Her teacher didn't have the class in the room, so I asked if she needed help with anything, since I was already there. You know that moment, where your brain and your heart are NOT on the same page? I was asking to help her out of the kindness of my heart, but my brain was screaming at me to shut my trap because I had no time at all for that, or the capacity.
She definitely had work. I took home twenty something folders that I traced a snowman on one side, and Christmas tree on the other. It took ages with the baby. It was very unwise considering I was leading the Girl Scout troop on Wednesday, and the procrastinator in me hadn't even planned it yet. Luckily I got the folders done and back to her teacher the next day, and planned the meeting which went off without a hitch. The girls loved me, thank goodness - because we all know how blatantly
We played a jump over the tape sort of game where the girls stood on a long piece of tape and I said a scenario, if it was a nice, considerate, caring, friendly thing, they jumped forward. If it wasn't, they jumped back. They had to decide, and they did a fantastic job. The other activity, we sat in a big circle with a fluffy ball. We picked another girl and said something nice about her, and then tossed her the ball and continued on until all the girls had had something lovely said about them at least once. There was time leftover so on a whim we did some role-playing. I put the girls in situations and asked them how they should handle them. We read a couple of stories and overall had a fabulous meeting.
I volunteered for this one specifically because there's a girl in the troop who is also in my daughter's class, who doesn't treat her well. She's a bully, but not in your typical kindergarten sense, which is totally surprising to me. I didn't realize kindergarteners already knew how to bully, first. But this little girl isn't just outwardly mean, she's manipulative, and it blows my mind. My daughter comes home telling me stories about things that they did, excited, but I'm staring blankly at her, not understanding how she can't comprehend how mean that the other little girl was being. It makes me sick, and angry, you know?
So I was hoping to be able to teach the girls a little bit about treating others the way you want to be treated, and thinking about how the people around you feel and such. I think we did well. Hopefully it sticks with them. And Praise the Lord for making it through the day! I woke up with a migraine, of course. I took my meds four times and still couldn't kick it. So I suffered through the day and the meeting and came home and crashed at 8:30 with the kids. I hate how the migraines linger the next day though. Even if my head doesn't hurt, I still don't have any appetite and amd in a fog. More-so than usual of course.
My husband and I have been going to a Bible study group for a couple of months now. It's with other married couples around our age with kids around our kids ages. We'd talked about finding friends like that for years, but never made a move on it. Then he cheated on me after hanging out with a shitty single friend who needed a "wing man". I honestly am not even sure how I'm still in this marriage. I was sure that we were through. This wasn't the first time he's done this to me. And as devastating as the times before this were, it was almost as if I expected it this time, deep down inside. Which is strange, because it completely blindsided me. I cried for maybe a day, but more almost in mourning of the ten years I'd lost and for my children. Then I couldn't cry anymore.
After a couple of weeks of him not living here and begging for another chance to really make a real change, I decided that I owed it to my kids and to the ten years I'd lost, to really give him one real chance. Without prompting or suggesting anything, I let him know I was just going to stand back and see what he could do. What was important to him to change, to do, etc. He started going to church again, and signed us up for the study group. He also started counseling, which he still goes to.
All this time we've been going to our group, we've never actually said what happened, though have made it known that our marriage was on the line. Finally last night, we were flat out asked, and so we told. I don't have a problem telling. There were times I'd wanted to relate to others in the group by saying something about our situation, but didn't, because my husband doesn't like talking about it. He obviously has a hard time telling people the truth, but in a way, I understand. I don't have a problem, because I haven't done anything wrong. He doesn't want to tell because he's embarrassed for being a giant piece of inconsiderate trash who shit on his marriage, multiple times and he's going to be judged for it. I get it.
Two of the other couples there said that they could relate because they had that happen in their marriages, but it was the women who had done it. For some reason, I just really and truly can't, no matter how hard I try - understand it. I would never, ever do that to someone. That's the ultimate worst thing in my book. You do not, treat anyone that way. You don't lie and break trust like that. There are just so many other options. I just can't relate, and just can't understand. Which is saying a lot for me, because I'm the type of person who is open minded enough to be able to see things from all sides, and all points of view. Maybe I can see, I just refuse to give any fucks, because I've been so hurt by those things over the last ten years.
Anyway, It's been since September now, and I feel like we've almost fallen back into the same old routines. It's scary for me, and makes me sad. All the things that led to our unhappiness before, are creeping back in. My husband is struggling with building a relationship with the Lord, and I know it's the only thing that can save our marriage. Yet, I'm almost waiting for him to build a relationship, banking on him to be the one who helps to strengthen my faith and get me into a better routine, too. I don't know. I feel like we're just floating along right now, slowly going back to old ways, not really changing. It's terrifying. Because if that's what's going to happen, I know it's definitely over.
