Recently my husband and I got into an argument. He thinks poorly of my inability to trust others. But no matter how hard I try, and try to look at it, and analyze people and situations, I still just can't trust. To be completely honest, I don't feel like anyone should be giving out trust all willy nilly. Certainly not to strangers or even acquaintances, but even to people who are family, or who you've known "forever". What makes anyone think they just have a right to your trust because so many days of knowing some things about you have passed? Trust, in my opinion, is earned. And it can absolutely be shattered, even over a long period of little damaging things.
My trust, specifically, can be given over small things quite easily. But when it comes to things like my home, finances, children... my trust must absolutely be earned first. But, my husband seems to think that I still can't trust anyone enough. We got in this argument specifically because of our children. He wants to be able to go out on the town, and leave our kids with a sitter. Our oldest is six, and I have no qualms leaving her with two or three select people. Our youngest is nine months now. He has refused to take a bottle of any kind, though we tried various bottles and nipples so that my husband and daughter could feed him, too. He is currently in his separation anxiety phase (which is a milestone and expected of a baby who realizes a mother's worth), and I've never been a fan of leaving my kids anywhere when they're too young to communicate to me if there's been a problem.
So, while I do suffer from anxiety, and do have "issues" trusting people, it also doesn't make logical sense to me to leave a baby who won't be able to eat, with people who won't be able to console him, while he can't communicate needs or issues. I also find that the fact that this is a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of life, that it's a little bit ridiculous to throw such a big fuss over the fact that I would prefer to be momming my baby, than out getting drunk. Do I value marriage? Absolutely. Do I think that everyone needs to spend time without children? Of course. Would I love to have some time away from my children? Most days, at least a little bit. (Kids can really wear on the ol' nerves.) But, I value the safety of my children and expect my husband to be on the same page when it comes to them. They are only babies for a moment before they're grown and gone. We have the rest of our lives to go out on the town and focus on just us. Not to mention, there are so many other ways to focus on us that could make us both happy and that are free or cheap that don't require a babysitter.
Of course, my husband and I aren't on the same page there. While I could happily uncork a bottle of wine and sit on the porch under a blanket, watching the stars and talking while the kids are asleep... He seems to think we aren't valuing the marriage if we don't get dressed, drive downtown, spend a load of money yelling over a crowded restaurant, and paying someone else to watch our kids. While it's okay not to see eye to eye on everything, there are so very very few things I'm set in stone over. I'm a cheap date, super easy going, granted him all the freedom he wanted, and have always done so many things for him regularly to help him feel loved and thought of and cared about. He seems to think he also does that for me, by going to work and bringing home a paycheck. He's officially done his part then.
Trailing on back to the topic of trust; I don't even know where to start trying to trust people more. I honestly don't want to. I don't think there's anything wrong with me wanting people to earn trust. What is it with people these days just thinking they're so entitled to everything from money, to attention, to someone else's body to my damned trust? I look at people too logically to just think everyone is trustworthy. From the moment I meet you, I'm already tallying, noting and paying attention. You're already getting filed away into my mind by the way you talk, act, dress, smell, and certainly by your stories and demeanor. And I rarely forget details. Maybe it's some kind of defense mechanism. But you can bet your bottom I'm listening and paying attention, and cutting no slack when it comes to whether or not someone is qualified to have my children's lives in their hands. Obviously the place you've filed away into, can change. The more I learn about you, get to know you, see you... it's ever changing.
But here's where my grudging comes in. Once someone has chosen to purposely do wrong by me or my children, there's almost no coming back from that. I fully understand that as Christians, we're supposed to forgive. Most people seem to think forgiving and forgetting go hand in hand, but they don't. At least not for me. I can forgive you enough to continue talking with you, be nice to you, and help you when you ask for help. But I have absolutely not forgotten who you are. And it would be so very unwise for me to do so, to just give you my trust again. That would make me naive, wouldn't it?
It's such a strange subject for me. I'm trying to see flaws in myself as far as trust and grudging go, but I'm always constantly reminding myself of why I have every right. This is my life, my heart, and at times, my children's hearts and lives. The most important things on this Earth to me. Why in the world would anyone just throw caution to the wind when they have already been so wronged, or have learned a person's true (and not good) ways? My husband has made me feel so flawed over these things for so long, that I really believe him, that these are major issues for me. But I wonder if there's really so much wrong with the way I view these things.
Just over a month ago my husband's coworker rolled his car and totalled it. So my husband let him borrow one of our cars. While logically I thought that it was unwise; this man suffers from depression, makes over an hour commute to work, and just totalled his own vehicle, my husband thought differently. He blatantly ignores things like those, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps he wants to look like the good guy or the hero. Being the wife and person I am, I stood behind my husband's ultimate decision without argument. Just last week his coworker wrecked our car.
It cannot be pure coincidence that I'm always right about people. And because I am, I have to listen to myself; my gut and my heart. Signs from God, perhaps. Wisdom. Intuition maybe. It drives me mad with anxiety when I go against my own natural feelings. But I'm not sure why my husband and I can't see things more eye to eye.
He has a friend, who he'd still call a best friend, for some unknown reason. No, his reasoning was because they grew up together. And again, there's that 'I've known you for so long you owe me your trust and friendship' thing. This man once almost killed my husband, while I was pregnant with our first child, and my husband still thought he was just the best thing since sliced bread. Every single time they got together they made horrible choices that badly affected their wives and children. Once, this guy showed up at our house around ten at night, with a case of beer and his one year old, while our baby was a newborn. He proceeded to hit on me while my husband was in the garage, got so shitty he couldn't drive home, pissed on my couch and then stole my car from the driveway and disappeared. I'd recap that, but I'll just let it soak in. My husband STILL called this guy his best friend!
I on the other hand, obviously couldn't trust him further than I could throw him, and likely never will. My husband judges me harshly for that, and I don't understand it. How am I made to be the one who's not acting right by refusing to be friends with this guy, or trust him at all? I will never ever forget the day my husband nearly died, running down the middle of the street screaming his name while I was pregnant because he was laying motionless in the road over stupid choices by this guy who would do it again! Yet I'm made to be the problem somehow. It's killing my soul. I can't win. I'm not trying to win though. I'm just trying to understand me, my husband, my marriage... my life. What's wrong with me? What can I change? Will I be forever broken? Damaged goods, unworthy of true friendship and a happy marriage?
Over these past few weeks I've come to a realization that no matter what issues I have as far as trust, there is something much deeper and underlying that causes my husband to trust people in ways that hurt him, his family and his bank account, over and over and over again. He can't say no to people either, which has also caused a huge number of issues in our relationship. I truly think that for all the things in my life that have lead to me having such poor trust in the human race, I was only set up for failure in this marriage, in this specific relationship.
My husband has broken my trust in ways that no other human being ever has. From horribly deceptive lies, manipulation and cheating. If I had to repair myself before and couldn't, how will I ever heal now? I don't even know where to start. I don't even know if all the problems I have with myself, or have been told I have, are really problems anymore. Is there really so much wrong with me? Or was it manipulation from the very beginning, taking what small problems I had and amplifying them until I felt and maybe even acted like some kind of monster because of it?
No one is perfect. But I just want to be in a relationship where I don't feel like I have to be, and that if I'm not, I'm just not worth a thing. Not worth honesty, not worth commitment, not worth love. That's where I am now. All I want is to be me with someone who loves me and helps me through my issues or flaws. I want to be with someone who's going to bring out my very best, and so in return I can do the same. I want to lift each other up and be a team based around love and trust, even, or especially, when times get tough. How do I get to a place like that? How can we ever repair this broken of a marriage now? If I can't trust his mother who took money from us when we were pregnant with our first and trying to get his license, how will I ever ever trust him again? How will I ever trust anyone ever again?
